of sundays

today there's matrix movie again. the 3rd. but everything feels different from last week. I realised i'm not going nie, i'm going to do contract teaching, relationship is still sucky. things suddenly doesnt seem to be going NOT well at all. Cant focus on studies and test is coming.

Why am i so f*** up? i should jus stay firm to my position and stick to watever decision i've thought thru so many times. like wth. I'm always waiving here and there, ending up in the same f*** up situation. come on lah, u're hx!!! oh man, should stop scolding bad words. haha. OK u're not in love, or rather dont like him as a person! u're in love with the feeling. Touched my heart and yes, i think it's true cos i still think of the possibility i might have with other guys. Then why am i always look at my hp and waiting for sms? mayb my brain and hormones of the human body is playing tricks on me- the want and desire to find a mate. he's not really after u. I'm so not his type of girl. girls around him (like that bowling girl) is like sizzling hot man, why does he want from me? playing around with an innocent girls? and looking for spares? STOP IT. i'm becoming like mama- overly suspicious woman.

oh man. i was never so vex over a guy in my life. this is bad. there're other better and more situable guys out there lah!! hx pls keep your heart well and protected. i'm not as tough as i seem to be huh. i guess it's jus part of growing up right?

besides that, the documentary on social disparity in pakistan really hit me hard. the one on water issues or basic amenities in india also stuck me hard. Religion and wealth in pakistan shape the people's mindset, lifestyles, behavior and every other thing, jus because of the education->interpretation of koran->outlook. Koran is really THE thing that GOVERNS the life of the poor, or rather they may be unconsciously or conveniently using koran to explain things they're doing or wanna do.
Does becoming developed really important? should it even be the ultimate goal of poorer countries?? becoming develop gave up the traditional way of living and adopted the 'advanced' lifestyle. does 'advanced lifestyle' really mean improvement? i think development might just be a gimmick of the developed country to generate loan and earn $$ from the poor. like wtf again.

RAAAAH!!! i dont know how my life will turn out tmr. ha! i dunno whether i will actually tell anyone about wat happened. hai. i think i should. to let it all out. RAAAAAAAAH! really hope that everything return to how it was 3-4 weeks ago, less vexing, simpler and happier?